On Awkward Dating

New Year's Eve, I,  in my drunken 1AM stupor, in true classy form, joined Match.com . What an adventure it has been so far. In all of my dates' defenses, the majority of them have been true to their profiles, I have been able to recognize them all, and I have yet to be enticed to enter into the back of a white, windowless van with puppies in the back. But MAN I have had some humdingers of crazy. Actually, just one whose level of crazy rivaled the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons. Ok, not that bad, but it was comical.

Upon arriving at an upscale restaurant in an upscale area, I encounter said date. He looks like he stepped off a boat, and not in the hot Tommy Hilfiger, white button down "I'm on a yacht I'm rugged and good looking, yet refined enough to have a yacht" kind of way. He looked more like a comedy with Tom Green in it who was a boat driver and was singing "You're a Fine Girl Brandy". I approached the date with an open, "Hey, this may just work out as friends" attitude. It soon became apparent to me that friends was not an option. I'll spare you the details, but rather leave you with a list.

TOP 5 COMMENTS THAT MADE ME WANT TO ASK FOR THE BILL

1). "I know we're at an Italian place, but I'm ordering French Fries with my linguine."

2). "I was like, super disappointed when both the boat AND the truck I got for my birthday from my dad were used. It's ok though, because the Kindle I got was new, so I guess it'll be alright."

3). Upon me asking what prompted him to live in Australia, "Well, my girlfriend moved there, so I followed. It was really boring though. I lived right by the beach, but, I mean, there are only so many times you can go to the beach without getting bored." Keep in mind, it was snowing outside when this young gent spoke those words. SNOWING. IN MINNESOTA. Also keep in mind that I could be entertained with a book at the beach IN AUSTRALIA every day of my life. I resumed disinterest.

4). "My mom always did my laundry. Then my girlfriend washed and folded all my laundry. I'm seriously disappointed with the send out laundry services in the Twin Cities." "Do you know how to do your laundry, or do you just not like to do it?" "I've never learned. I had someone try to teach me once, but it was just too many steps." Sidenote: as surprised as you all may be, I am totally NOT a domestic goddess. In fact, I'm not even a domestic minion. I'm domestic in the sense that I do laundry, and it promptly stays in the clean hamper until I Downy Wrinkle Release, wear it all, need to do laundry, and repeat the process.

5). Upon exiting the restaurant (after declining desert, THAT'S how much I wanted to get out of there), "Well, I'd invite you back to my place, but I sleep on the floor of my best friend's apartment". I don't care about the apartment sitch, it was more of the assumption that I'd go back to his place after... sooo awkward.

Gentlemen, heed my advice: take off the Sperry Topsiders for anything else. Ladies: This is why we meet men in a public place.  I also advise carrying a pre-made list of escape strategies. I, for one, would have been able to have my escape-woman call, but it was all too amusing to sit and hear what other shenanigans this guy was speaking of. And with that, my friends, I leave you.